Journal Entry: Sat Oct 18, 2014, 3:47 PM
Well, I'll try to keep this short and sharp, as I don't have a lot of energy. University is eating all of my energy, not that I had much of it in the first place. Just getting up each day, my depression and my illnesses exhaust me…Let alone going to uni for 5 days a week. I'm enjoying it, it's just pretty tiring. The work load is huge too. And it's only going to get bigger over the three years. I guess I'll get used to it, I'll have to. It's just hard going to uni and having pretty bad energy taking diseases/illnesses. But there's nothing I can do about it really.
As you can probably tell from a lot of my recent journals my depression is pretty strong again. And very erratic (Up and down) constantly. I wish I could control my emotions again, I was actually getting pretty good at it. But lately it's all got on top of me again. The anti D's seem to have less and less affect sometimes. And then some days I feel totally numb. But as I said before, it's getting out of hand again. I haven't been to counselling for weeks, but I haven't got time for it right now with Uni on. I may see her during Christmas break. But…I'll have to see. I could use it, but weather I get the time for it is another matter. All of my teachers that are aware of all my history have told me to pace myself out, and not to worry about deadlines and that I can get extensions and things as I am more than entitled to them. But…I don't know, I'm just under a whole lot of pressure right now…Mostly from myself.
My lungs are getting worse again, they always do around Autumn and Winter. It's the worst time of year for a lot of people with lung problems. But I get infections all year, so I never know when they are going to strike. But I'm starting to have really thick phlegm blocking my throat again. It's horrible waking up not breathing properly and then throwing up thick white phlegm into the sink every morning that's like glue…But hey…I'm used to it haha…Told you my diseases are similar to Cystic Fibrosis. I cough all day as it is haha. My arthritis is on and off really, bad most days, but I'm coping with that not to badly.
Um in terms of the whole religion and sexuality thing, I really don't know what to make of it all still. I've been trying not to worry about it too much, and when I know I'll know. But yeah it's um, pretty annoying having those niggling feelings. It's pretty difficult being mentally single too for the first time in 4/5 years. Physically I was single I guess, but mentally and emotionally I haven't been for a long time. It's scary, but I'm coping. I still think I made the sensible decision in terms of me calling things off. I won't go into why and what happened as I said before. But yeah I'm struggling I guess, more than I thought I would. It's starting to take it's toll. But my decision will still stand firm. I know it's better for the both of us. And we're still friends so I can't really complain. But the depression is playing on a lot of the insecurities and thoughts I'm having to do with that area right now.
I think that's why I'm not really trying to draw anything Egyptian, that's why I think I changed my username too and put a LOT of my pictures and all my writing into storage. I just need it all out of the way at the moment whilst I adjust to my new life.
I often find myself shaking like mad most days now, in panics and just shivering. I don't really eat a lot anymore either. I barely eat at Uni. I don't have breakfast either. so it's occasionally lunch. And dinner. I just…I'm not coping I don't think but I don't like to admit I'm not. I'm only going into my 4th week of uni on Monday and it's already taking it's toll on me. Throwing up phlegm every morning and literally shivering a lot of the day out of sheer nervousness…Yet in my mind I'm completely numb. So pretty weird stuff going on...
I um…don't really know what to say to be honest, I'm sorry you all have to put with a wreck like me. I just…Don't know what to do anymore.